The Lecture and The List

I don't eat breakfast.

There. I said it.

Whenever I say this, I get The Lecture. It doesn't matter where the person to whom I am speaking lives. They could be American, German, Chinese or from Planet Zorkon. It's always the same.

What?! You don't eat breakfast? Don't you get hungry? How do you manage to make it five hours to lunch without starving to death?

Altogether now: It's the most important meal of the day.

I am baffled by the shock and bewilderment and even anger caused by this admission of mine. People would find it less shocking to learn that I'm a vampire or once killed a man just to watch him die.

I then try to explain that part of the reason I don't partake of breakfast foods is that I don't like any of them. Aside from bacon -- fried fat, and thus nature's perfect food -- I don't like any of it. This prompts The List, during which people mention every conceivable breakfast food trying to find something I might actually eat in the morning.

You don't like eggs? Everyone likes eggs. What about waffles? I've never met anyone who doesn't waffles. You must like pancakes. No? I LOVE pancakes. Seriously, I could eat pancakes every day. What about cereal?

This is followed by a sub-listing of every breakfast cereal known to man. And so on.

Because I've been meeting people from so many places they also have to ask me if I've tried their country's specialty.

Where I come from we eat mostly omelettes, but we only use the shell, not the white or the yolk. Perhaps you should try it.

Really? In my country we have no chickens so we eat goat brains baked in a dirty diaper. You'd love it.

I have never liked eating breakfast. This was the source of a running battle between my mother and me when I was growing up. God bless her, she tried everything. If I do eat anything in the morning it will be something I can eat on the go, like fruit or yogurt.

In Nepal eating breakfast can kill a day of hiking. If you're in a crowded lodge waiting for breakfast can easily take an hour or more away from the day. I'd much rather get up and get on the trail early. Sure, you can ask the lodge to have your breakfast ready at 6 a.m. You can also ask them to take off their clothes and jump blindfolded through a flaming hoop. The likelihood of either happening is about the same. Everyone else in the lodge wants their breakfast at the same time. It's the luck of the draw as to who gets served first.

I'll order a couple boiled eggs with dinner and save them for the morning. After hiking for an hour or so I'll rest for a few minutes and eat them then. It's a break I would have taken anyway so it doesn't cost me any time. Some days I'm at my destination while the people at my lodge are still waiting for breakfast.

That's your hiking tip for the day. You're welcome.

I think it's silly to eat breakfast. I would much rather spend that extra 15-30 minutes sleeping. Then again, I have always been a chronic imsomniac. You don't need to be a sleepologist or whatever to connect the dots between my difficulties sleeping and my lack of enthusiasm for early morning dining.

Don't get me started on Sunday brunch. On the one day of the week you can sleep in and enjoy a lazy day at home you get up early, get dressed and drive somewhere to eat scrambled eggs and toast? String theory makes more sense to me.

I feel much better now that we've had this talk.