All you really need to know

I haven't been pleased with the school where I've been teaching in Vietnam. I had misgivings about taking the job. At the time I must admit I was a bit desperate. It was just before the lunar new year, the biggest holiday in Asia, and schools just weren't hiring. I didn't want to go into the holiday without a job so I took it. I knew the job came with a certain amount of baggage, but it turned out much worse than I had anticipated.

I didn't want to slag the place while I was still working there and I really don't want to now. I was trying to think of the "telling detail" to describe the place. This is a term from my days as journalism student. Rather than describe something in detail, you find the one thing that best sums it up.

For instance, as I write this I see a couple tourists walking down the sidewalk. Of one I would say "he's the kind of guy who walks around with a cigarette behind his ear". From that one detail you get a pretty good idea of what kind of guy I'm talking about. Then again, I could just say he's a douchebag.

The problem with the finding the telling detail about my school is that there are so many of them! I wanted to write a post that began "All you really need to know about my school is ..." but there were too many candidates. Here are some of the contenders.

* I wanted to submit my resignation as soon as possible. I made the decision on the weekend. No one I might need to talk to was in the office so I sent an email. I asked that they call me so we could work out the details.

All you really need to know about where I work is that I sent my resignation email on Saturday morning but they didn't call me until Wednesday afternoon.

* Teachers are not allowed to use the photocopier. Often you'll want to print out song lyrics, crossword puzzles, etc. You have to fill out a sheet explaining how many copies you are making. This I can understand. They don't want teachers using the photocopier for personal use. I get it.

However, I can not understand why they put the security guard, of all people, in charge of the photocopier. This is usually an otherwise unemployable young man who knows as much about operating a photocopier as he does about flying a fighter jet.

Photocopiers are temperamental creatures. They need to be regularly maintained and lovingly cared for. This one has been treated as well as Michael Vick's dogs. It simply never works. It's operated by men who truly, honestly have no idea whatsoever of how it works or how to fix it. They can't let me help. If they did they would "lose face", which really is a big deal.

One particularly comical/infuriating episode occurred when, after 20 minutes of watching a young guy randomly opening and closing doors on the machine without success (go figure) an older man stepped in to help.

Mr. Frying Pan, meet Mr. Fire.

The new guy's solution to the problem was to take out the stack of paper and, with an ostentatious flourish, shuffle the paper like playing cards. This, of course, would be on the short list of "Worst Things to Do With a Malfunctioning Photocopier".

He couldn't get the paper to back into a neat pile (again, go figure) so he mashed it into the paper drawer and tried again. Whaddayaknow, it still didn't work.

The rule officially applies to all teachers but Vietnamese teachers, of course, don't have to go through all this. They can use the machine whenever they want and copy the entire phone book if they so desire.

Most of my classes are with kids and three hours long. It's hard enough to plan a lesson for that length of time. It's even harder when you have to have a Plan A (if the copier works) and a Plan B (if it doesn't). I should also mention that there is a computer.

One.

The computer looks like it predates the apple. I don't mean the apple, the computer, I mean apple, the life form. It's reliable, however. You can bet the eternal souls of your children that the day you need to print it will have fallen prey to the computer virus du jour. Then there's the printer itself...

All you really need to know about my school, then, is that if you need materials for class you can use a computer that doesn't work to send files to a printer that doesn't work to copy on photocopier that doesn't work.

* Ok, I've been rambling. Or venting, I must admit. So here it is, the telling detail about my school.

I am not a pushy tourist who expects and demands everyone I encounter to speak English. This is a business, however, with one purpose, to teach English. Virtually every Vietnamese employee there speaks English well. There is one notable exception.

I should have known what to expect after my first visit. The school has several campuses but if you are applying to be an English you need to deliver your resume to the HR office at a particular building. Just so we're clear, this is the building where all foreign, English-speaking teachers are told to apply.

The receptionist there does not speak English!

That's really all you need to know.