The Holy Grail

One of the joys of traveling in Vietnam is seeing the ingenious ways people here put their motorbikes to good use. Motos are the primary mode of transportation for Vietnamese. If they have to move or haul something they have to make do. Moto-watching never gets old.

Most motos here are what the folks back home would call a scooter. You see motorcycles, but it's usually expats riding them. My guess is that it's a Freudian sort of overcompensation for insecure men. Men ride big motorcycles here for the reason guys back home drive giant SUVs.

Yesterday I was on the back of a moto taxi when I passed a guy hauling plywood on a motorbike. Traffic was swerving around him crazily because it took a moment for other riders to calculate that yes, he's on a motorbike, but because of the plywood he was taking up as much space as a minivan.

How does one secure plywood while riding a motorbike alone? He sat on it. One end was under his butt with the bulk of the wood hanging off the back of the bike and flopping wildly up and down with every bump in the road. I didn't see any chain, rope, bungee cord or scotch tape holding it in place.

I also thought I saw a guy riding with what appeared to be a twin mattress standing on the seat behind him. I was wrong. It was the entire bed. The bed frame was made of metal tubing. His friend was sitting inside the bed frame and holding the mattress and frame together.

Just so we're clear, I saw both of these sights in about 10 minutes.

On another trip was a guy on a broken-down moto being pushed by a guy on another moto. The guy on the working one drove with his left foot on the back of the broken moto. His buddy sat on the broken one and steered.

I think the craziest moto sight I've seen was the woman breastfeeding. She was steering with one hand and holding her baby to her boob with the other. Even people here don't believe I saw this but this isn't something I would (or could) make up. Horrifying stuff.

A few times I've gone out with my camera hoping to get some good moto sightings on camera. Of course, when I take my camera I never see anything worth a photo. If I was more clever I'd make an analogy to the watched pot never boiling. You get the idea. By the time I realize I'm seeing something worth photographing it's too late.

When families go on outings they don't pile in the SUV or minivan, they get on the moto. Seeing families of four on a single moto is so common here I hesitate to mention it. I've seen four teenagers on a motorbike. Heck, I've seen four teenagers on a single bicycle.

I had seen five people on a moto several times. Usually it's dad driving with a child standing or sitting between his legs, mom sitting behind him with a child in her lap and a child on the back of the moto hanging onto mom.

Yesterday I saw the Holy Grail of Vietnamese moto sightings. People go to Scotland hoping to see the Loch Ness Monster. People go to Nepal hoping to see a Yeti. People go to Saigon hoping to see six people on a motorbike. It's essentially the same arrangement as the family of five, except mom sits with a kid on each knee. To western eyes this might seem a dangerous arrangement but it's actually worse than it seems.

Not long ago Vietnam passed a law requiring motorbike riders to wear helmets. Adult riders, that is. Helmets are mandatory for adults but not for children! I get a sick feeling in my stomach every time I see someone on a motorbike plow through a busy intersection with a helmetless child on board. I always give them a wide berth. I want to avoid any incident in which a child ends up splattered on the pavement. It would be no consolation knowing that it was the idiot parent's fault.

You can't really understand how crazy and chaotic the traffic here is until you experience it. I've been working on a blog post but I must humbly admit my powers of description are not up to the task.

I was amazed to learn, then, that last year there were only 1,123 traffic accidents in Saigon! I should say there were that many reported accidents. I see accidents every day. Moto drivers will bump into each other, or a moto will bump into a taxi.

If the drivers here were all American the whole country would quickly descend into a road rage bloodbath. People would be arguing and fighting and shooting each other. Intersections would be clogged with police responding to accidents. City workers would be hauling away dead bodies and body parts in dump trucks and using squeegees to clean the blood off the streets. Insurance agents, however, would be in heaven.

My personal theory is that it's the Buddhist influence, but whatever the reason, people don't get upset here. There's definitely an aggressiveness in the traffic. You take what you can get. But there's rarely any hostility.

The vast majority of collisions aren't reported because usually two vehicles will bump into each other, the drivers will quickly look over their vehicles, see that no damage was done, shrug at each other and drive away.

I was surprised by how few accidents were reported. I was floored to learn that last year there were only 649 traffic deaths in Saigon, a city with almost 10 million people and six million motorbikes. The reason for the shockingly low death total is probably that most people are moving relatively slowly on lightweight vehicles. Even if they do collide they don't do much damage.

As for those unfortunate fatalities, one of my fellow teachers here put a cynical spin on it: "They had it coming." As in any other country the most dangerous drivers here are young men. Most riders move at a reasonable pace and switch lanes with some degree of control. It's the knucklehead boys who drive too fast, zip back and forth and squeeze their motos through narrow spaces.