What century is this?

My school in Vietnam set up a bank account for me. I went there to apply for an ATM card and to wire money to my bank account in the US. I knew one convenience from home I'd miss online banking. I didn't realize I would be banking with technology slightly more recent than the invention of the wheel.

I thought it would be easy. My bank actually does have a website in English. I found out the information I would need for an electronic transfer. There's a big bank branch just around the corner from where I live. By big I mean a ten-storey building. Surely they could provide any banking service I might require.

The woman at the information desk spoke enough English to tell me which floor to go to for an electronic transfer. A woman on that floor who spoke English directed me to yet another woman at the end of the counter. This woman cheerfully explained that, no, they don't do wire transfers at that branch and that I would have to go to the main branch a few blocks away.

You can see where this is going...

One trick I've learned while traveling is that if you want to find someone who speaks English look lost. Wander around like you have no idea where to go. People who speak English generally welcome the opportunity to practice and will flag you down. I didn't have to worry about looking lost. I actually was. A woman took pity on me and offered to help.

I thought the language barrier was getting in the way. I had to have her explain the process to me three times because I either had no idea what she was talking about or I was the butt of a huge practical joke.

The bank doesn't do wire transfers from their bank accounts to accounts in US banks.

How does a bank survive in the year 2010 if it doesn't provide this service?

I thought that was strange. Then it got crazy. I was told I would have to withdraw the money in local currency, change it to dollars, then wire it. That didn't make a heck of a lot of sense to me but sure, just tell me which counter.

The bank does not sell US dollars.

Allow me to repeat that.

My bank, one of the biggest in Vietnam, does not sell US dollars.

Ok, I understand that the Vietnamese currency has been unstable. I understand that currency markets in general have been fluctuating. I don't mean to sound like a pushy American. But this is the US dollar, the currency of international business.

I asked where the closest place was to do currency exchange. I was told to go to a jewelry store at the local market.

I swear I am not making this up. A woman at one of the biggest banks in Vietnam told me if I wanted US dollars I would have to buy them on the black market!

Jewelry stores will exchange money but the rates are terrible. There's a currency exchange office half a block from where I live with good rates. I had to withdraw money from my bank, leave the building, exchange currency and physically carry US dollars back into the bank. What's next, restaurants where you have to bring your own ingredients?

When I went to do the transfer it was as if it had never been done before. They seemed to genuinely not understand the concept of an electronic transfer. I had all the necessary routing information. It should have taken five minutes. Not thirty-five.

They hadn't heard of my bank. My bank is M & T, which bought "my" bank, Provident, some time ago. I have no idea where M & T is based but I know it's pretty doggoned big. They didn't want to do the transfer because they said my bank is "too small". They suggested I use Bank of America, because that's a big bank that they've heard of. And hey, we all know how easy it is to instantly open a bank account when you're literally on the other side of the world with an 11-hour time difference.

I didn't want them to "lose face" (which really is a big deal) so I kept my best fake smile frozen in place and told them, "Gee, I'm so sorry, but I'm pretty sure that the size of the bank doesn't matter as long as you have the correct routing information, which, as luck would have it, I happen to have right here!"

Then they asked for the home address of my bank. Smile still frozen in place I said, "Gee, so sorry, I really don't know, but since we're sending the money electronically and not to a physical address you probably don't need the mailing address, just the routing information which, hey, I still happen to have right here."

I noticed that they all had terminals running Windows. I suggested if they wanted to know the address they could look it up online. Suddenly it wasn't so important.

It took the entire morning but eventually the money was sent. Ah, the glamorous life of an expat...